At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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