just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
