my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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