I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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