Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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