Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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