The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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