I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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