I think scott just propositioned me for sex
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
