Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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