Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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