Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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