I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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