Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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