We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
