i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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