I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
