Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
