My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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