I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
