if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
