strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
