Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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