he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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