Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
