I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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