How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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