census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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