i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
