NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
