shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
