jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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