I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
