i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
