Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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