i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
