I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
