You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
