She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
