apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We have so much sex to catch up on
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
