I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
