He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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