My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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