Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
