I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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