Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
