At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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