I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
