I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
