I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
