honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Two words: nipple clamps
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