Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize