sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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