he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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