Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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