You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
