I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
