I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
