I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
