I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
