While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
